Life never promised to be easy and straightforward. We beat ourselves up if we make mistakes. People come to my counselling practice being angry with themselves for making mistakes, young students self-harm from pressure from parents or from exam expectations, people feel guilty that they became addicts and the list goes on….

My approach is that we are humans and life makes us make choices. Sometimes people tell me they feel they are bad. I say, no that’s not true, you simply went down the wrong track for a while and now you have turned back. How can we possibly know an outcome from a choice we made? We can’t. At least through making a choice we are demonstrating that we are living and not just ‘sitting on a fence’.

Relationships are challenges and at times people tell me they ‘just want to leave him/her but they love them. The relationship is difficult, communications have broken down and one is struggling to stay another day as they are exhausted and angry….. but they don’t want to really leave…I say to people ‘then don’t leave’ ‘let’s overcome these obstacles that have got in the way of your relationship being loving. Let’s go back to basics. I advise to not leave on heightened emotions and exhaustion. Instead, perhaps a different approach is needed.

If we stopped comparing our lives to the fantasy of what we believe others have then possibly one could be more accepting of our own life. Is there any point in comparing anyway? We simply can’t know what others are going through. We all get good and bad times, we have all lost someone special either through death, illness, divorce or simply because life took us on other paths. We all grieve and as we do so we are aware that life still goes on around us. It feels cruel at times and we may just want to exit the world for a while but we can’t… Like the roller coasters, we go up and at times we go down.

I believe we can all apply a little kindness to ourselves and not be so hard on ourselves when we may get things wrong. We should be more accepting of the challenges of life and face them head-on. We grow when we face our challenges. How we face them can make the difference to the outcome of the challenge.

A positive attitude is essential and I believe we should look for something positive every day. Don’t let challenges get you down, just rise to the challenge!

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However, in reality, I began to question what ‘sex with no strings’ really means? And more importantly, my question is ‘are there no consequences?’ From working with clients that have engaged in this ‘no strings sex’ it appeared to be the reverse!

As an independent mature woman who has always thought intimate sexual relationships to be highly important, satisfying and joyous resulting in a deeper connection with a partner, I felt I am just not understanding the ‘sex with no strings’ concept. I further thought well if I believe that you make love/have sex with the mind as well as your body, how could an individual achieve claims that sex with no strings has no consequences? How can one have great sex, have inner freedom vital to good sex, feel safe, with a stranger they may have only met up with one time over the internet agreeing to have casual sex?

I am aware that many people I have asked this question too, including a close family member, have told me that on reflection, they have thought it would be ‘cool’ to do this believing it to be exciting, fun, and gave them control at the time to satisfy their own physical needs. However, the after effects seemed to outweigh the positives as some felt tortured by feelings of abandonment, loneliness, dirty ,self-loathing, unfulfilled and by the morning they felt even more ‘unloved’. Waking up with a stranger in your bed at some very early time on a Saturday morning. Listening to your no strings lover talking on his/her mobile to his/her wife/ husband made them feel ‘not in control ‘as they had felt the previous evening! As their one night stand no strings lover drove away from their cheap hotel room to return to their partner, with no breakfast on the itinerary, seeing their clothes strewn around the hotel floor certainly didn’t seem to tick any boxes. In fact, some people claimed it seemed like a form of self-harm.

As the day continued and they looked at their mobiles hoping for confirmation that they were great lovers and can we meet again, it simply did not happen.

So what of the consequences? Well, one person told me the so-called one night sex hook up had turned into a complete nightmare by his no strings lover (this had been agreed by both parties in principal) who after the night of wild passion (that actually wasn’t that wild as it was tinged with awkwardness), his no strings lady bombarded him with texts claiming to have fallen in love with him, then the phone would continually ring, he even thought he may get stalked!

Another person claimed that his no strings lover had in fact found out his home address from doing a search online and actually turned up on his doorstep telling his wife that she and her husband were an item! Whilst another lady thought she had covered her tracks only to drop a receipt on the floor for a Friday night hotel bill, explaining that to her partner was lets say tricky!

One theme ran through all my findings and that was they all really wanted something to fill the void they were experiencing in their lives. Finding love and an emotional connection was indeed what they were really seeking. The loneliness they were currently feeling in their current relationships was indeed further magnified after their no strings sex!

I therefore concluded that working on their current relationships to include getting the fun back was for many the way forward. The no strings sex indeed seemed to come with its own set of complications!
So, therefore my own quotation is ‘the grass isn’t greener only different!’

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A family member recently confessed to me that his use of pornography and live web cams practised secretly in the night whilst his partner was asleep, was exciting, incredibly erotic and some of the models had made him feel alive, sexy, attractive, and of course had made him feel exceptionally confident of his own ability, to the possibility of new partners outside of his relationship. The images of sexy, attractive women with incredible bronzed toned bodies in this created a ‘fantasy’, which meant a negative effect on the way he viewed his partner. Sex with the ‘real person’ became a thing of the past, with excuses made on his part to refrain from sex, as he found it much more erotic to have interaction from live models. Over time, his marriage began to suffer, as he further distanced himself physically and emotionally from his wife.

One lady explained that she was devastated to find hundreds of sexy images on her husband’s computer, having felt something had been wrong for sometime. Her husband had began to abstain from sex with her, leaving her feeling unattractive, unhappy and sexually unfulfilled. He had began to get easily annoyed and agitated if she asked questions about why he was emotionally distancing himself from her.

For the couples that had found soft pornography exciting in the early days enhancing their sex life, had indeed over time, meant the early ‘highs’ had been replaced by moving onto more extreme pornography images. For some couples, this had led on to meeting up with other ‘real life’ people to include within their own sex lives. This of course may be acceptable to some couples providing that both partners are agreeable, but from the couples that I see in therapy it has certainly caused trust, jealousy and insecurity issues, and for some, the breakdown of their relationships.

It seems that as with most addictions, what starts out with a person in control of a situation which was adding some excitement creating a ‘high’, had over time, indeed started to ‘control’ its viewers. Therefore, pornography seems to have a negative effect meaning it can become harder to be aroused by one’s own partner.

Pornography, arguably, has caused the partners of an ‘addict’ to feel isolated, betrayed, abandoned, rejected and humiliated. Furthermore, it feels as painful to the partner as if they had actually gone out and had an affair or a one night stand.

Having been in counselling with partners, feeling betrayed by their findings that there partners were involved in pornography, have found it exceptionally difficult to be able to work through this situation. In fact, many have found it totally unacceptable and have not been able to comprehend it. My findings further suggest, that the partners of pornography addicts have said they would have found it easier if their partner had had an affair, rather than made them feel rejected by online pornography.

My conclusion therefore, is that I would question that pornography is healthy in relationships. It would appear that it indeed, has only a negative effect.

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Words that friends may have voiced to us echo in our thoughts, “I wouldn’t have stood for it”, or “you can do better…”

So what do we do now? How much time do we invest in a struggling relationship? Can we turn it around? Can we regain what seems to have temporarily slipped away? One may say, “All I want is for it to go back to how it was”. I want to feel your touch again, see the smile light up on your face when I look at you, I want to laugh with you again…

One has thoughts such as, “If I hadn’t worked away from home would we have grow apart?” As one invests more energy into working out when the magic slipped away, one is still left with the reality of the emptiness and isolation, one may feel in the here and now. So what do we do?

Making sure that any decision one makes are their own is important. These should be made without influence of friends, family or possible future suitors that have an invested interest in helping you with your decision!

Avoid making hasty decisions and departures like the soap characters from EastEnders that slip away in the night to Spain with their one suitcase, only to find that leaving didn’t solve the problem!

Writing a private diary and being honest with your feelings may be very freeing, at least it releases some of our pain.

Counselling may at this time provide a valuable place to be able to make sense of ones feelings and be able to see ‘the bigger picture’. If you would like to explore your feelings away from the influence of being judged then a counsellor will provide you with emotional support. Making a life changing decision is emotionally draining and challenging. One needs to look after themselves in terms of eating a balanced diet and trying to find an hour a day to be free from their thoughts. I would normally recommend some form of physical exercise that may consume us like yoga, kick boxing, tai chi, dance, football, squash or anything where we can have some escape from our thoughts.

At Aisling counselling, we will help you look at the ‘wider lens’. You will have a safe and confidential place where you can look at your choices. Investing time for yourself may help you look at your dilemma and come to make your own decision in your own time.

We always have choices in life. Make sure the choices you make are your own away from influence!

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I started to ponder on what this actually means or what it indeed means to the speaker. It did appear to be a contradiction, so it gave way to thought and reflection on my behalf.

A recent meeting with a family member that asked to meet me explaining ‘its complicated’ further revealed they had ‘met someone else’. After shaking their head and telling me they hadn’t been happy for years further explained the intimate spark had fled and had given way to separate bedrooms and seemingly separate lives. Not surprisingly they felt lonely, isolated, unloved and confused.

On the other hand, the new lady was attractive, adventurous, fun, sexy and made him feel ‘alive’. In fact, she made him feel all those positive feelings he lacked in his marriage. The demands of looking after and providing for a large family had stretched him to the limit over their 28 year marriage. The further pressure of modern technical gadgets including laptops, iphones, tablets, ipads arriving on the scene meant all household members were ‘doing their own thing’. This no doubt further isolated him from his wife and family. The conversation had become further limited and despite the occasional family meal such as Christmas, meal times were very much on a ‘do it yourself’ system.

The sight of his wife dressed in pyjamas by early evening or the unsightly ‘onesey’ just didnt do it for him. Of course, the new woman obviously not interested in that type of attire was of course into sexy clothing finished off by the lingering perfume, manicured and polished toe nails emerging from a pair of coloured stilettos. This without doubt magnified the problems at home.

However I was aware there was great sadness in his body language and speech. He looked tired and I guessed the romantic meals out for two followed by the passionate nights of wild sex were no longer having the same effect.

The deceit had become exhausting, the guilt was suffocating him, the family weekends at home were more isolating and he felt more confused. After explaining both parties had fallen ‘in love’ with each other, he further explained that they were both feeling ‘stuck’ as they were both married. It seemed even with this new found ‘love’, both parties were reluctant to leave their marriages. I concluded both were ‘stuck’ in the dance of deceit yet gripped with the passion and fantasy that the intimate nights provided.

I further concluded that the fantasy of the ideal woman or man in the bedroom perhaps should remain exactly what it is, ‘a fantasy’, escapism from what had become an unfulfilled existence at home.

My point is that marriage and relationships need constant nurturing, love, energy and input. Time management with working lives and managing children and finding quality time for a couple has to be in place.

Its a difficult decision to leave a long term relationship, but it’s even more unfair to compare the newness of a romantic love to the familiarity and comfort of a long term marriage that has to date stood the test of time, raised children, dealt with the challenges of teenagers, and waved goodbye through the tears as your oldest child leaves home. Did one just lose sight of their partners needs through demands and needs of the children and the constant juggling of jobs to fit in around our offspring? Did our sexuality that was so fulfilling in those early years give way to the exhaustion one felt by the evening?

Perhaps the statement ‘I love him but I’m not in love with him’ is in fact meaning the first part of the sentence ‘I love him’. Perhaps there is a depth of love that has become likened to wearing slippers and become familiar? Is this perhaps the real love? Could it be that the new romantic love is in fact little more than sexual lust and desire, a sparkle that temporarily provides us with an excitement reminding us of all the feelings that we once felt for our husbands and wives that we simply are missing? Could this desire and fantasy prove further down the road to just become another dead end?

To leave a long term relationship, to sever the roots we made, the family, our homes for this ‘promise of a romantic love’, should be worth considering that it may just be nothing more than a fantasy. Perhaps the reason both parties stay in their marriages are that they are blind to the fact that they really do ‘love’ their partners.

Perhaps like myself the author here, that did move on to find that romantic love didn’t last and provide the everlasting romance it had once promised. I would say that as an onlooker now, I would give everything to go back to the familiarity and comfort of the marriage that had seemed so dull next to the sparkle and dazzle of the new man that turned my head.

I once used that saying ‘I love him but I’m not in love with him’. I now know that twenty years on, I should have just said ‘I love him’.

So before you leave and sever those ties forever, really pay attention to the statement you made and reflect on what you really are saying.

A marriage needs work and for the couples that attend counselling that are going through difficulties, they find positive outcomes. One thing I can tell you is that somewhere behind the bringing up of children and the juggling of working lives, when the couple begin to find time together they can and do rekindle their love. It just got buried for a while behind the demands of family life.

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For many people in their very busy lives it simply isn’t always possible to find the correct counsellor on the suitable day and time that works into their schedule. If one looks at the case of a single working parent with small children it simply isn’t financially viable or practical for them to be able to find child care cover while they attend counselling. By finding a suitable time slot for telephone counselling, it means for the client an hour in the comfort of their home. They may feel more relaxed, more confident, safe and in some cases more open to communicate what they really want to say. For those suffering from physical illnesses, telephone counselling can really prove to provide a positive support.

Since I have introduced telephone counselling to my practice, for those with disabilities it has proved a very successful way to provide a professional service. These clients report that their other alternatives were indeed limited to little or no support.

In cases of domestic violence, abuse and controlled situations, clients have been able to receive a confidential call from me to their mobile at a given time that is of course safe and confidential. These victims would otherwise have been unable to leave their homes to attend counselling due to the strict control of their partners. In all cases of domestic abuse, safety is paramount and all calls are dealt with in the very strictest of confidence. Many of these clients feel ‘trapped’ in their prisons and telephone support provides an empathic understanding of their situation and allows them to off load while they try to find the strength to leave their partners.

Telephone counselling works through providing a genuine and real understanding in a non-judgemental way. Being empathic and really listening to the client means one can see how it is from the clients point of view. As I am a member of  BACP, I abide by their rules and regulations of their ethical guidelines.

Telephone counselling can be offered daytime, evenings and weekend appointments so creates wider flexibility for clients to choose the slot time that fits well into his/her lifestyle. Many counsellors will offer a free consultation to talk about the practice, contracting, fees and a little bit about the nature of your concerns and issues. I would suggest email as the means of confirming appointment times in writing.

There is positive support available through both face to face counselling as well as telephone support so one has different options to choose the support that works best for them.

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When one meets a new partner that we gel with, connect with, one makes an effort not just with our clothes, shoes and accessories but by conversation, a smile, eye contact. One feels excited, alive and one feels good about themselves. We make plans that are enjoyable for both parties whether that be a trip to the theatre, the cinema, a nice meal out or a cosy night in for two. One pays attention to detail to make the other person feel appreciated and loved. So if we know what it takes for that initial stage to work why is it then one begins to gradually let go of doing those little things that brought so much pleasure and joy to their partner?

How often people have told me including friends and family that the spark has gone from their relationships. On asking what is a typical evening for them, I am consistently told “well we both fall asleep watching television”. I am further told that the sex life that was once filled with passion is fast becoming a distant memory with excuses made on both parts as to why sex is not taking place.

Weekends are unplanned where neither person has given each other any quality time. Instead arguments are commonplace, angry words are fired across the room like bullets from a machine gun meaning one has the choice to retreat into the other room  or fire the bullets back. It’s hardly surprising then that the divide or bridge in the relationship becomes widened. The once well dressed individual looking attractive and appealing with the subtle smell of perfume or aftershave sending lingering fragrances towards us has been replaced with a pair of jogging bottoms, a t-shirt and at best a pair of trainers and jeans.

I know one can’t and shouldn’t always have to look amazing and of course one always needs some down time. However if you want to rekindle that spark one has to make efforts to do this. I think the first thing is to be honest to ourselves. How much do we really want to do to make this happen? Do we want to stay with this person? Rather than be negative about the other party, perhaps some own honesty about ourselves is where it should begin. Are we looking after ourselves. Has our own appearance slipped? Are we really paying the attention that our other half deserves? Do we listen to how hard their day was? Are we so absorbed in our own world that we just forgot to ask him/her how they are feeling?

If we decide to take a positive action plan to rekindle the spark then some hard work needs to be in place. Choose to plan this weekend and decide to manage your time, for example this Saturday you could plan a surprise trip out. Do something kind and caring for the other person. Use eye contact with them, switch off the television, ditch the jogging bottoms, pay attention to your appearance. Make the other person see you as the attractive person they were on those first meetings. Hold their hand or arm, appreciate them for who they are and begin to become a strong unit again. Go back to basics. Talk, laugh and understand them. Through these changes a shift will happen and for those wanting to regain love making and the joy of sex, this will follow after going back to the real basics. How can one really achieve great fun in the bedroom if there is little or no conversation and connection happening outside of the bedroom?

Through these very basic changes and continuing to plan and manage your time together in a positive way it really is possible to rekindle and reconnect with the very person that you shared all those special times with during those early years. You can make this happen again! And if you are struggling, couples counselling can support you during these changes.

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How did it come to this as we ask ourselves a million times over. How did our partner that was so charming, so witty, that we fell in love with, the person that we trusted and adored change to become so angry, demanding and controlling?

The very first time abuse happens in a relationship, one feels shocked, stunned, hurt, confused and many other negative emotions. The abuser appears to be sorry as he/she promises this will never happen again. As our partner shows remorse as they appear to share our pain and tears over the attack, followed by promises that this will never happen again. This attack was simply a ‘one off’.

Sadly, as the promises are not kept and the victim becomes the innocent ‘player’ on the stage. The scene is now set for the dance to start. Unlike the actors that rehearse their lines, the victim has no lines rehearsed as he/she fumbles to find the right lines to use as their abuser showers them with questions, demanding why certain chores weren’t done. Why the meals are not quite up to scratch, your clothes are too ‘tarty’, the children aren’t in bed and so the list goes on. It’s a long list…

As one struggles to meet the ever changing targets set by our partners, we exhaust ourselves as we try desperately to achieve the unachievable. The goal posts are ever changing. There again, we weren’t ever meant to achieve them, but as we fumble through the confusion, the tears, the message is clear that we must achieve or face our ‘punishments’.

The punishments of course are delivered in different ways. A verbal attack of how stupid and thick we are followed by echoes of swear words and the doors being slammed as we shake uncontrollably in tears from the unjust comments we have received. Then there’s the silent treatment, the passive aggression where one is isolated, left feeling abandoned, ashamed and belittled as our self esteem and confidence takes another battering. This of course is again followed by withheld affection and sex. The physical punishments may mean a slap round the head, a punch, a kick on the legs, a beating or being thrown around the room like a rag doll desperately trying to grab hold of an object to stop us falling to the floor. The list again goes on and on.

The abuser rationalises his or her behaviour by passing on blame to the victim saying that he or she made them do it. They must have provoked it. So on top of the punishment, one is further belittled by being told they deserved it.

As one is pushed further into their ‘prison’, one may even start to find a little comfort there. As our abuser allows us the occasional treat or turn on the charm, we begin to even feel grateful for those moments. This is a chance to ‘come up for air’. Maybe there is hope after all that he/she may return to the person we felt we had once known. However, as we realise we were ‘set-up’ for the next event we feel trapped as we fear another punishment.

Over time we become more isolated as the friends we had thought to be real turn away from us as we struggle to cope. It could be argued that the victims are the strong people in life with coping strategies in place ready for the next attack. Whilst the abuser is so weak and insecure that his/her behaviour is to simply control you. They recognise your strength and their intention is to ‘bring you down’.

The cycle of abuse has no end until the victim leaves. For those that want to leave their situation or indeed for those victims that are not ready to flee yet, they need professional help. Above all, one needs to talk through your hurt, your secret pain to prevent further damage to your physical and mental well-being. Finding a counsellor that really understands the power of domestic abuse, that will listen and is non-judgemental can help you to unload your ‘wheelbarrow’ full of confusing emotions.

Why don’t they just leave one may say, especially if it’s that bad? These people that judge are those people that have not been in these situations. Packing a car with bags, children and family pets only to have no real future plans as to where to live can end with the victim returning back to the abuser. In addition, the abuser pleas for the partner to return, again with promises that things will be better in their relationship. Sadly, further punishments are served and the cycle begins again.

It takes planning for a successful escape. It takes energy and courage. It costs money for rent and bills. Without some form of support, especially when one is so low, so exhausted, it is so easy to understand why one returns to their abuser.

For those of you reading this that are experiencing these isolating ‘nightmare’ situations, a counsellor can offer to support you as they sit next to you in your ‘prison’. A counsellor will understand your confusion, your feelings of being ‘trapped’. Together, you can try to make sense of your feelings and there can be a light at the end of the tunnel. There is a life outside the ‘prison’ where you can be free from abuse. You can be like the bird that flies and soars high in the sky. A place where from a new height, you can look back at the situation for what it is and know in our hearts that we will never return to that place where punishments had become all we knew.

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How can one reconnect with their inner child, recapture their imaginations that we once had as a child where we had our imaginary friend, and find that feeling of total connection between mind, body and soul? As I observe ones struggles to seek pleasure, they often report that they desperately sought immediate gratification through making attempts to find ‘fun’ through affairs, and infidelity. They further report to me in therapy that that their ‘quick fix’ attempts to seek pleasure were swiftly followed by many negative emotions including guilt and isolation. Having not found that ‘fantasy love’ or the ‘peace’ one thought one may find, one perhaps was innocently looking in the wrong place.

Looking inside ourselves and identifying that segments of our metaphoric circle are not being nurtured. One needs to find joy and fun and I believe one can do this through dance. One only has to look at the viewing figures for Strictly Come Dancing to understand the total joy and passion one achieves by watching the dancers bodies become more like instruments playing in their various dance routines. One identifies with the passion of the Argentinian tango, the beauty of the waltz, the fun and laughter in the Charleston and the ‘coolness’ and ‘slickness’ in the American Smooth. Even those that are not remotely interested in dance are somewhat moved by the Latin sounds. The foot tapping beating of the samba, makes it almost impossible not to want to join in as our body language becomes more relaxed, more energized as one starts to feel the music go through our bodies as we fidget on the sofa on a Saturday night. We begin to feel alive.

To loose oneself in dance is therapy in itself. For those clients that come to me presenting with anxiety, low self-esteem, depression and a host of other issues including bereavement, I suggest that as part of their therapy one could try and attend a local dance class.

To be able to let go of negative emotions such as: I’m too overweight, too stiff, two left feet, no confidence and a list of all physical issues and excuses – I have witnessed one not only improve their physical fitness and confidence, more importantly they report finding their inner peace, a place where there is a space, a break from grieving, a breather from anxiety, and find ‘fun’ and ‘joy’ as one reconnects with the inner child.

i believe that physical exercise and especially dance benefits our mental health. When one looses themselves in dance and allows their bodies to move rhythmically to the music it can be very freeing. Dancing for well-being isn’t interested in your body shape size or age, dance is interested in captivating its audience as one feels alive, energised and allows ones body flow with the rhythm of the music. Dance provides us with a road to inner freedom.

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